In the Loving memory of Xayden Christopher Snow

As Xayden's mother, this is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my lifetime.

For those who know me personally, they understand that life has not been easy. I was grappling with numerous health issues that almost took my life. Amidst this turmoil, I discovered I was two months pregnant. God blessed me with a beautiful blue-eyed, red-headed baby boy. After nearly a year of frequent hospital visits, I miraculously regained my health. Xayden saved my life. I gave birth to my perfect, healthy baby boy on February 6, 2020.

Jacob came into our lives when Xayden was four months old. He stepped in and helped me raise him. I am beyond blessed to have Jacob become the father Xayden needed. Not only did God bless Xayden with a father, but He also blessed us with a whole family. Donna (Mamaw) and Michael Snipe (Papaw) embraced my baby boy as their grandchild. Michael did not play over his grandbaby either, that man was ready to fight me over him one day. He was taking that baby home with him just because Xayden wanted his papaw. They were an enormous part of his life. Cheyenne (Chey Chey) and Jeremiah Buggs (Uncle BB) took him in as their nephew. Austin Steed (Uncle Lil pimp Double G) not only became the brother I always needed but also an amazing uncle to Xayden. My wonderful sisters, Hannah Martin (Nanna), and Chey also helped raise Xayden. They are considered just as much his mother as I am. My parents, Mary (Mimi) and Roland Martin (Papaw), have been amazing grandparents to Xayden. They spoiled him and gave him everything he wanted. Trace Scott (Uncle Trace) and Brian Crockerham (Uncle Dollywood) also took Xayden in and considered him their own nephew. The good Lord truly blessed us with an enormous family that embraced Xayden as their own. My baby sister, Heaven Martin also played a huge part in Xayden's life as well, he called her "Lay-lay." I would give more details to do with her but as of right now we are not as close as we used to be, but Xayden adored her, and she was a very amazing aunt to him. He has two other amazing, very important aunts, Kelsi (Auntie KK) and Katie (Auntie K) that he adored as well.

Harley Martin also blessed him with his cousins, Gavyn, and Gabby. Kelsi blessed him with two of his other cousins, Elizabeth (Lyza), and Brynleigh (Bry). Katie blessed him with Emma, Athena, and Sage. Xayden was closest with Athena, and Gabby. Those two baby girls were his best friends, aside from his momma of course.

God made Xayden and Athena best friends because he knew us as parents would not be able to handle them as siblings. Those two babies were inseparable. Those are the sweetest two babies I have ever witnessed. They would never argue when they were together. They loved one another dearly.

One of life's hardest lessons is that family is not defined by blood but by the people who love and support you unconditionally, whether you are related or not.

One of my biggest concerns after giving birth to Xayden was our support system, but God was amazing to us both. My cousin Nikki Pennington has always been there to give me advice and support through rough times. Xayden adored her. He was a clone of our aunt, Janet Martin, who helped raise me and considers me her own daughter. She also considers Kyle, Xayden, and Cash her own grandchildren. Xayden was loved deeply by so many and never met a stranger. This sometimes worried me because not everyone is good. Xayden was the most joyful, appreciative, and down-to-earth child I have ever known. He had a heart of gold. I was incredibly proud to be his momma. His eyes were as blue as the ocean, his smile would melt your heart, and his voice would steal your soul. His laugh was like music to your ears, bringing a smile to anyone's face. Xayden's face was perfect and special. Overall, he was perfect inside and out. He was my blue-eyed, red-headed baby with his momma's heart of gold. I was beyond proud. He brought joy to so many people's lives. I will never understand, and it is not my place to question God. Life is not fair.

On June 26, 2024, my heart shattered as I held my baby in my arms as he took his last breath. I watched the life leave his beautiful blue eyes. God only knows how I feel and what I am facing. I did everything I could to keep him here with me. As selfish as it sounds, I was not ready to say goodbye. I am still not ready to let go. I want this to be just a horrible nightmare that I will eventually wake up from.

In the moment that I lost him, I was in such denial. I did not want to accept it. Xayden was my fighter, my biggest supporter, my motivation, and the reason I am here today. We had so many plans for our future. I kept praying to God, begging Him to let me keep him a little longer. I just needed more time with him. I just needed a miracle. When the doctor and two nurses walked into that room and I saw the look on the doctor's face, I knew it was real. There was nothing I could do to have my baby back. I lost him within the blink of an eye. In Xayden's mind, momma's kisses healed everything, but not this time, and I will never be the same after this tragedy.

"What a privilege it is to clean a house made dirty by healthy children playing, to wash dishes because we were able to eat three meals today, and to do piles of laundry because we all have clean clothes to wear every day."

"My children are the reason I laugh, smile, and want to get up every morning. If I could give my child three things, it would be the confidence to always know their self-worth, the strength to chase their dreams, and the ability to know how truly, deeply loved they are."

It broke my heart to lose you, but you did not go alone. A part of me went with you the day God called you home. A million times I have thought of you, a million times I have cried. If love could have saved you, you would have never died. Forgive me, Lord, I will always weep for my son I loved so much but yet could not keep. My heart breaks for all the moments we will never share together. My arms ache for all the cuddles we will never have. My soul longs for its forever missing piece.

"There will never come a time when I won't think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family."

"Grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; the loss of a child is not one finite event; it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime."

"The death of a child is crushing. It shatters hearts. Once some of the shock dissipates, a deep and abiding sadness begins to leak out. When a child dies, dreams go up in smoke."

"There is no name for a mother who loses a child, and there are no words to describe the pain she endures every day."

In my heart, I know the good Lord sent His angels down to guide my baby boy home. I know everything God does is for a reason, and I know in my heart that God is taking better care of my baby than I ever could have. As blessed as I am for God giving Xayden everything he would possibly need or want in life, I just wanted and needed more time with him. I do not think I would have ever been ready. What mother would be? He was my whole heart. He was my reason.

The hardest thing I have ever had to hear was that my child died. The hardest thing I have ever done is to live every day since that moment.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he is gone. No matter what anybody says about grief and time healing all wounds, the truth is that some sorrows never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.

As for the mother,

She goes on with her life. She has no choice. She tells herself she's doing better. She has some days with only a few tears. But most days, she drowns in them. She keeps herself going. She has no choice. She gives herself pep talks all day long, telling herself, "You're strong enough to survive." She does not believe it. She tries to act normal. She has no choice. She wears her mask so that no one sees. She wants to rip it off and scream to the world, "Can you not see my pain?" She knows they cannot. She tries to have faith. She has no choice. She knows if she loses that, she loses all hope. She will not have the strength or the will to keep the darkness from destroying her. She still cannot face the truth. She has no choice. A secret, deep place in her heart just cannot believe that her child is gone, that it is real. There is just no way it can be forever. It cannot be. She has to survive. She has no choice. She must be strong, believe, have faith, keep her eyes on the light, and let God guide her steps to someday be where her child waits for her.

I am blessed for each and every one of you who has held me up and prayed for us through this and to those who have reached out to me. This is beyond the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Things will never be the same. This past month, the devil has come at me from every direction. Some of you know more than others. Some of you know me better than others. God knows I need you all. I really do need you all to lift Jacob and me up in your prayers. He is holding up for me, but I know he is not okay. He is beating himself up left and right. I am not okay. I am not going to be okay for a while. Xayden was my motivation. He was my other half, my best friend. He was a momma's baby. Kyle and Cash are both daddy's babies, so this really hit me hard. I just wanted to thank you all and ask you to keep us in your prayers. I need to find the strength to move forward from this.

Cherish every moment with your children and never take them for granted.

Do me a favor. After you bathe your children, dress them, and brush their teeth, take a moment to savor these precious times. Fix them some chocolate milk, say your prayers together, and lay beside them. Kiss their foreheads, give them butterfly kisses, and tenderly kiss both sides of their cheeks and their chin. Tell them how much they mean to you and how deeply you love them. Read one of their favorite books, tuck them in, and hold them tightly.

Remember, tomorrow is not promised. Thank God for the gift of your children every day. I would give anything to have Xayden back. He always made me come back and give him lovings over and over again a million times before he would let me go to bed. Some nights I would just lay next to him admiring, while I just felt so blessed with the amazing gift god had blessed me with, as he fell asleep while I played with his hair. What I would give to go back to those moments we shared together, for him to say "momma, I love you," and him wrap his arms around my neck and hug me again. I love you so much Xayden Christopher Snow. I never thought I would have to plan a memorial for you, it was supposed to be the other way around.

As for the mothers out here, I pray to God that this will be the last thing any of you would ever have to face in your life. No mother should feel the heartache of losing their baby. For those who have lost a child, I am so sorry, believe me when I say I feel the pain and hurt you are facing.